(just) another unlucky day

I know I had a lot tasks to do, but my mind constantly denying to concentrate in my task. I had a kind of bad day today, yeah I am not usually judging something, but I really feel so bad today. I lose a big chance today. something I've been waiting and dreaming since I was kid. Go to Japan. I know even I succeed applying my requirements on those program, I may still not succeed in next interview stage, but I feel worse when I failed something because I have lack of preparation, and it has already happened not only once in my life, it might show me that I am not kind of people that could organize well, but I am truly a people who's not afraid to try even in the most limited or almost impossible timing. 

I saw the publication of JST program from ITS IO website less than a week ago, but a week ago also kind of rough week to me, to be honest also depressing. I had a lot college tasks to do, because I had neglected them for another activity in a week before -preparing for Balistik- :).  So I fed up with my Master plan Final Project, proposal, dashboard and kind of other things, and I forgot about preparing the requirements for applying JST program, and I also think that I have already had every document needed. I reread carefully the requirements yesterday, and I shocked, how can I skip the recommendation letter and transcript in English part? So I quickly asked my lecturer help, Mrs. Mahendrawati to write my 1st recommendation letter, and she accept and could give me the letter the next day (which is today, and also the last day of submission). So I prepare everything in a hurry. I hate being in a hurry, even when doing a college task, I prefer doing it as fast as I can, so I won't be in a hurry, why could I be so careless for another thing that  maybe could give me more than just a college task like this? this is my first mistake. It is not my first time losing a kind of free-paid exchange, I was also late-knowing and being in a hurry that time.

Okay, Let's start with today's activity, so today I went to UPMS giving my proposal for B.Indonesia Course and present it to Mr. Marsudi, it takes a long time for each group, so that was out of the schedule. It's okay, I was so sure that I could submit the requirements before 04.00 pm. So I took my recommendation letter from Mrs. Mahendrawati in Plaza Dr. Angka and stopped a while to read it, I smiled, I felt and wondered  and afraid in the same time, do I as good as she write? or maybe I am just being happy in my head, the recommendation letter could be so general for her, but I felt so overwhelming reading how she appreciate me all these time. But vice versa, I also feel, I may not as good as she write, yet. I still have many flaws as a students or her assistant, I still need much of improvement.

So, then I go to Manarul because it was already Dhuhur. I ensure that my documents have been all prepared. I filled in the form racily. I go back to campus, because it was already 00.30 pm and I have a course schedule. By the time I get to the Laboratory (LPSI), I sat and wait for the assistant, but it turns out to nothing, the class is cancelled. And then I scan all the document in LPSI and transfer it to my flashdisk. I remembered I haven't signature the attendance of Bahasa Indonesia course, so I went to the adiministration office, as I presented in UPMS before. When  I went there, I met Levi that also preparing the requirement, he asked about how to get an english transcript from our department, so I stared to him and listen carefully, how stupid I am, I thought it's enough to attach the translated transcript without any confirmation from the bureaucracy. okay, I tried to be calm. I still have time for preparing the requirement, I asked Ms. Fian how can I get the translated transcript in English, she suggest us translating it by our self but with the letter number from the administration and signature of our Head of Department. Because it was not enough time to propose the English transcript to the vice rector. So I prepared it quickly and almost hopeless in the same time, I was really afraid if I couldn't submit before the due date. I felt so guilty to Mrs. Mahendrawati who has already written my 1st recommendation letter, and I really don't want to make her letter in vain. I kept telling myself that I could make it, I ran between the administration office and LPSI most of the day. Finally I got my legitimate English transcript with the sign of head of Information Systems in it at 03.30 pm. I go back to the LPSI and scan the transcript. Finally, all done ! by the 03.35 I reached the closest computer with an internet connection in LPSI and willing to send the email to Int Office. But well, maybe one bad thing is never enough. HOW COULD THE 3 out of 6 SCANNED DOCUMENT FILE IS BROKEN? I still want to try my best, I ran again toward my bag downstairs and take all the document needed and re-scanned it. I saw the time in the computer it shows me 03.45 I kept wishing that the scanning process could be fast. All the document has re-scanned at 03.54 pm in the  computer taskbar, I borrowed Rima's laptop to send the email, and my heart almost stopped beating see the time showed in her laptop, "Is it already 04.01 pm Rim? I asked to ensure that she didn't set her clock in advance. " She said yes, I almost crying by the time. I desperately tried to send the email though it's already 4 minutes late, and the email automatically rejected caused by the quota exceeded said the email. I exhale hardly. I felt so sad and angry to myself in the same time. I go home with my blurry vision, feel guilty and pathetic.

What is the point of my long-dramatic posting -if you thought so- I just can't forgive myself for being so unprepared for many things. I keep asking myself what keeps me busy all this time? Have I already miss-organized my activity or others, so I have to lose these kind of chance? I am so sad, feel so pathetic of myself. I wonder Am I doing the right all of this time? until I had no time for my own self, preparing something bigger.... or I just a messy, lazy girl that desperately try to be an active people, ignore skipping class and task but have no time to prepare this kind of requirements that I have eligible, not by the due date time?

Forgive me, Mrs Mahendrawati for not using your great recommendation letter for this program, I will find another chance, that could be as good as this one, and I will prepare it in advance, won't do these things anymore and I won't let your help be useless. And trust me, I will try my best to be as good as your appreciation in the recommendation letter, thanks for all those positive perception of myself. :')

P.S : I checked my flashdisk again before I post this, to look the scanned document, and it's all broken again, is it possible that my flashdisk is the main problem? why could these happen?

well, maybe it's just another unlucky day for me, the next day and future must be brighter than today.